Ok...so I've always been one to read other people's blogs and think "I should journal my life like them." or "I'll regret one day not writing down what I've experienced." or "I want to make a difference in someone's life - influence them, capture them - just by the words I write." Now that my life has gotten to the point where I think it can not get any more crazy, I figured now was a good time to start a blog. Better late than never, right? Even if no one ever reads this, it will be my little haven - a place to thinking out loud, capture the insane moments of my life and reflect on all the experiences I've had.
So...here goes. :)
I dont claim to have the most exciting life, the most excentric life, the most adventerous life, the most colorful life, or the most boring life. I just try to live my life - the life that I'm supposed to live. All my life, I've tried to script my life. I've tried to make it exactly what I wanted it to be. The more I planned, the more I was disappointed. The more I tried to make everything exactly the way I wanted it, the more things fell short. But...Fell shrot of what? Perfection? What is perfection? As defined by Wikipedia - Perfection: a state of completeness and flawlessness. But honestly, who's life is truly complete and without flaws? I never once met someone perfect. So, here I am, striving to obtain something I can never reach and I'm constantly disappointed. I think it's partically because of my OCD nature that I like to control things. When I'm not in control, I get stressed. I worry things wont get done, it wont work out the way it's supposed to. But the more I try to control my life, the more I learn that I cannot.
I cannot choose who I'm going to marry. I cannot decide what job I'm going to have. I cannot control where I'm going to live. The friends I'm going to have. The attitude I'm going to have. The things I do on the weekends. The acts of kindness I do for others. The relationship I will have. The relationship I will avoid. The things that truly make me happy. The people that make me smile.
You're thinking "Yes, Chelsey. You can choose, decide and control your life." No, honestly, I can't. It's taken me 25 long, hard years to really learn the depth of this - God is in Control. But honestly, I'm at the tip of the iceberg of what I actually know of this depth. I want to believe I can give Him the reigns and let him steer...but that means I have to let go. I have to not be the one in charge. I'm like the committee member who sits in the bac and never gets a say, who never speaks up, who goes along with the flow just because they think it's a good idea. And that scares me to death. I'm scared of not being in control my life will spin out of control. But up until this point, what has controlling gotten me? A shaken faith, stress, singlessness, disappointment, lack of trust and most as far from "what I thought my life would be".
I sound pathetic. I sound like I think my life is horrible and will be exactly what I want. I really do love my life. I have a fabulous life. I play on three soccer teams, I coach a soccer team, I run 1/2 marathons, play on a softball team, I volunteer, I have a great job that pays the bills with extra for spending/saving, have amazing, I have dependable friends, I have a beautiful apartment, I have an amazing mother who will always listen, and I have a God that forgives. I just get disappointed really easily.
On this random Tuesday, July 28th 2009 I pray that I learn to let go. Let go of expectations. Let go of thinking things have to be perfect. Let go of past disappointment and failure. I pray that I look back on this day, many moons from now, and think..."That was the greatest day of my life. That was the day that my life truly started. The day I started my blog." I want to learn to be lead...follow MY leader, and know He will not disappointment in the end. And because I have this faith and trust in Him, it will be exactly as it's supposed to be - the way HE scripted my life...just for me.
