I have no idea what I want to do with my life. Period. I just dont know.
I have a degree in interior design. I worked as a designer for 4 years. I am now a sales rep for a textile company. I've been doing this for 7 months and I'm just not sure if I want to do this forever. When you meet someone new, they ask you waht you do. I reply my typical answer to someone who doesnt know the interior design industry: "I sell fabric and wallcovering to designers." Typically I get the "Ohhhhh fun." or "Exciting." or "I need you to help me with my house." answers...The other day I got a new one "Do you want to do THAT for the rest of your life??" My answer..."Honestly, no." They say "What do you want to do then?" I DONT KNOW.
I'm a dreamer. I have so many things I want to do...I want to own a bakery. I want to be a writer. I want to be a nurse. I want to become a missionary. I want to be a personal trainer. I want to travel the world. I want to make a difference in someone's life. I want to influence the minds of the generation younger than me. I want to feel satisfied. I want to not have stress. I want to sleep 8 hours every night. I want to have time for my hobbies. I want to have time to devote to God.
I feel lost in my own life, in my own thoughts, in my own desires. I feel like I'm swimming in jello...paddling hard and not moving anywhere. I feel lost in the middle of everything. I feel like there are so many options to exlore on what I should be doing, but I'm not sure which direction to travel first. Exploring a new option is expensive. Exploring a new option may leave me with nothing, even set me back. Exploring a new option takes time and dedication.
I wish some days that a magic genie would come into my life and tell me what to do. Tell me where to go, who to speak with and that it will all work out ok. I want the genie to direct my path and (in the words of Liz Gilbert) "I want to marvel at something". I suppose a lot of people would call this "genie" by another name: God. I know they are right. I suppose I need to take all this time I spend stressing about life, stressing about my career, stressing about where I'll be in 5 years and direct it towards bringing God more into my life. I guess I should start praying about how to pray. Pray about how to talk to God. Pray about opening my heart/mind/spirit to a spiritual genie.
I honestly sit here feeling like I'm going to have a heart attack. I feel like my heart is literally going to jump out of my chest. I feel out of control. I'm a control freak and I feel like I'm losing control of myself. I'm losing control of knowing what I'm doing with my life. I need to learn to let go and let God.
Dear spiritual genie aka God,
Please rush into my uncontrolable beating heart and slow it. Please rush into my mind and smooth my wrinkled, worried thoughts. Rush into my spirit and explode with self confidence and motivation to find the missing link of my life. Help. Me. Figure. Out. Life.
Thanks.
Sunday, August 15, 2010
Saturday, July 24, 2010
Getting Healthy...
There is more to getting healthy than eating right and working out. It's a mental thing.
I started Crossfit just shy of 5 months ago. I attended the NC/SC Sectionals competition and was immediately intransed in the feats these women (and men for that matter) were completing. I havent even completed one single Crossfit movement and I felt like I had already drank the kool-aid. My competitive nature took over and immediately told me I wanted to be one of those Crossfit women. I didnt have as many tattoos, didnt have as large of muscles, didnt have a handstand push up (or a regular push up), but I had determination. I signed up at Crossfit Peachtree (CFPT) that next week.
My first workout - burpees, bells and balls. 10 miuntes. Yuck. I loved and hated every minute of it. I could barely move for 2 days afterwards, but I kept coming back.
About 6 weeks after I started Crossfit CFPT had a six-pack challenge. I didnt compete in the compeitition. One, because I didnt want to be the new girl. Two, I didnt want to give up the foods that I loved. Three, I didnt want to attempt and fail. Four, I didnt have the willpower.
Now...5 months into Crossfit, I still havent gotten my eating completely under control. I work my ass off at the gym on a daily basis. Ripping my hands open, brusing my neck bones, straining my muscles, sweating til exhaustion. You'd think that after I worked THAT hard at the gym, all I would want to put into my body is healthy food...right? Well, the past 25 years of my life I've had a "work hard, eat badly" mentality.
Dont get me wrong, I eat salads, veggies, proteins, nuts, fruit, etc. but I also eat pizza, icecream, coke, coffee, chocolate, chips, etc, etc etc.
I need something to change in my mental status. I need to find that switch - the switch that will trigger my inner desire to be as healthy as possible. I watch You Tube videos (all too religiously) about Crossfit, nutrition and body awareness. I want to be aware that I will perform better if I eat better. I want to be aware that I will live longer if I eat better. I want to be aware that I will look and feel better if I eat better.
I know how to be healthy - how to work out and how to eat right. Now...to find that deep down mental, burning desire to put it into practice. I guess I've been waiting for that moment to slap me in the face where I realize that I gotta do something about cutting out the crap. Well...I have my first Crossfit compeition in 4 weeks. I'm taking this as a mini-slap to get my food eating in gear and really crack down between now and then. I need someone to be my accountability partner. Being single and living alone definitely doesnt help the situation. So...I commit to myself and anyone who happens to read this blog that I need that accountability - Here's to being eating healthy for good. Here's to being Paleo.
We will access again in 4 week after the compeition and see if the healthy eating really helped me make gains on my lifts, Crossfit movements, etc.
I started Crossfit just shy of 5 months ago. I attended the NC/SC Sectionals competition and was immediately intransed in the feats these women (and men for that matter) were completing. I havent even completed one single Crossfit movement and I felt like I had already drank the kool-aid. My competitive nature took over and immediately told me I wanted to be one of those Crossfit women. I didnt have as many tattoos, didnt have as large of muscles, didnt have a handstand push up (or a regular push up), but I had determination. I signed up at Crossfit Peachtree (CFPT) that next week.
My first workout - burpees, bells and balls. 10 miuntes. Yuck. I loved and hated every minute of it. I could barely move for 2 days afterwards, but I kept coming back.
About 6 weeks after I started Crossfit CFPT had a six-pack challenge. I didnt compete in the compeitition. One, because I didnt want to be the new girl. Two, I didnt want to give up the foods that I loved. Three, I didnt want to attempt and fail. Four, I didnt have the willpower.
Now...5 months into Crossfit, I still havent gotten my eating completely under control. I work my ass off at the gym on a daily basis. Ripping my hands open, brusing my neck bones, straining my muscles, sweating til exhaustion. You'd think that after I worked THAT hard at the gym, all I would want to put into my body is healthy food...right? Well, the past 25 years of my life I've had a "work hard, eat badly" mentality.
Dont get me wrong, I eat salads, veggies, proteins, nuts, fruit, etc. but I also eat pizza, icecream, coke, coffee, chocolate, chips, etc, etc etc.
I need something to change in my mental status. I need to find that switch - the switch that will trigger my inner desire to be as healthy as possible. I watch You Tube videos (all too religiously) about Crossfit, nutrition and body awareness. I want to be aware that I will perform better if I eat better. I want to be aware that I will live longer if I eat better. I want to be aware that I will look and feel better if I eat better.
I know how to be healthy - how to work out and how to eat right. Now...to find that deep down mental, burning desire to put it into practice. I guess I've been waiting for that moment to slap me in the face where I realize that I gotta do something about cutting out the crap. Well...I have my first Crossfit compeition in 4 weeks. I'm taking this as a mini-slap to get my food eating in gear and really crack down between now and then. I need someone to be my accountability partner. Being single and living alone definitely doesnt help the situation. So...I commit to myself and anyone who happens to read this blog that I need that accountability - Here's to being eating healthy for good. Here's to being Paleo.
We will access again in 4 week after the compeition and see if the healthy eating really helped me make gains on my lifts, Crossfit movements, etc.
Thursday, May 6, 2010
It's Complicated...
Life is complicated. Relationship are complicated. Day to day routines can be complicated.
The complication I'm trying to figure out most recently lies within my own mind. I'm having an inner struggle on the difference between what I want and what I need. I'm trying to determind the difference between desiring something (or someone) that you could live without and truly having a need for something (or someone) in your life that you couldnt survive without. I think this is one of those "which came first: the chicken or the egg" situations of life.
Here's the problem...I live in a brand new city - a city with over 5 million people mind you. I left everything I've known for the past 8 years of my life to make a career change and expand the possibilities of my job, my social life, my personal life, my EVERYTHING. What made me accept this huge life change...to be honest, I have no freaking idea. I think that God literally pushed me into this situation. I had not be asking for a new job, I had not been asking for a way to get out of Birmingham, I had not been asking for new freinds/church/soccer team/social clubs/ROUTINE...I had been asking for a small change - something to "mix" up my life a little bit. Something to just spice it up...little did I know that spice would require starting over from scratch.
I move to Atlanta, armed with a few old friends living here (that I hope would show me the ropes) and a pretty determined mind that I would create a fabulous new life - one that would make my life in Birmingham look like a little glimmer in the distance. I had big dreams, big goals, and bid aspirations for how I was going to make this new life happen. Well...like the old saying goes "Rome wasn't built in a day"...If I had a dollar for everytime I've heard that in the past 4 months, I could eat for free for a month! Basically, my friend-making, getting involved goals weren't happening as fast as I would like them to happen.
So...this is where things get complicated. I started dating someone. I enjoy my time with the person...but they want to spend all their time with me. This person has been living in Atlanta - is established with work, school, friends, etc. unlike me. So, this person is ok with wanting to spend lots of time with me - getting to know me and hanging out. If someone want to DATE me...take me on dates, wine and dine me, show me you want to PURSUE me. I dont want to just sit around in our sweats on the sofa cooking dinner and watching movies all the time. I almost feel like I am missing out on opportunities to be doing bigger and better things because I'm not out seeing my brand new city. I can sit on the sofa anywhere...but, again, since this person is already established here, they feel no need to go site-seeing, club hopping, restaurant galavanting, etc.
I feel like because I'm giving my time to this person (or any boy for that matter) that I'm missing out on cultivating my relationships with potential freinds. I've recently joined two soccer teams, joined a Crossfit gym, joined a church and a women's small group. I have found ways to get connected. BUT if these people only see me once a week or less, how are they going to really get to know me? How am I going to develop these relationships with them, when I'm devoting my time to only developing one relationship? In lies the delemia. I'm so afraid I'm going to start to resent this person because I'd rather be out doing things with girlfreinds in the city and getting to know them better. I'm also so scared to get serious with someone, then heaven forbid, we break up a year later and then I'm back at square one - with no serious friendships in this huge city.
So...I ponder - on a daily basis - what's more important: developing NEW lasting relationships with friends here, or seeking out the person that I would ultimately like to spend the rest of my life with. I think I desperately desire to find my true love - find my price charming to make me a wife and a mother. But I dont want him to be my only friend. I see so many of my friends that get married, and then their lives only revolve around that one person. I feel sorry for them. I feel sorry that they dont have tons of girls to do GNO's with. I dont want to be the norm. And since I dont want to be the norm, does that mean that I avoid and/or forego dating at all in this big, new city with lots and lots of guys just because I'm afraid of not having friends.
I know what everyone is thinking...when I stop looking "he" will find me. Or...if I spend time developing my friendships, then maybe the man of my dreams is freinds with one of my new girlfriends. I understand that. I just dont know how to deal with my current issue. Do I continue dating this person because I enjoy their time, but worry that I'm missing out on things? Or do I continue to date them, praying that I find the time and effort to still seek out new friends. I know this sounds so ridiculous and bogus, but this is my problem and it's complicated.
I'm open to suggestions. I want my life to be super satisfying in Atlanta. I mean, I uprooted myself to move here; I felt there was something bigger and better waiting here for me that obviously was not in Birmingham. Does that lie in my job? My friends? A guy? A sport/hobby/etc. There just arent enough hours a day to devote all the time I want to all the things I want. Does everyone have this same problem?!
The complication I'm trying to figure out most recently lies within my own mind. I'm having an inner struggle on the difference between what I want and what I need. I'm trying to determind the difference between desiring something (or someone) that you could live without and truly having a need for something (or someone) in your life that you couldnt survive without. I think this is one of those "which came first: the chicken or the egg" situations of life.
Here's the problem...I live in a brand new city - a city with over 5 million people mind you. I left everything I've known for the past 8 years of my life to make a career change and expand the possibilities of my job, my social life, my personal life, my EVERYTHING. What made me accept this huge life change...to be honest, I have no freaking idea. I think that God literally pushed me into this situation. I had not be asking for a new job, I had not been asking for a way to get out of Birmingham, I had not been asking for new freinds/church/soccer team/social clubs/ROUTINE...I had been asking for a small change - something to "mix" up my life a little bit. Something to just spice it up...little did I know that spice would require starting over from scratch.
I move to Atlanta, armed with a few old friends living here (that I hope would show me the ropes) and a pretty determined mind that I would create a fabulous new life - one that would make my life in Birmingham look like a little glimmer in the distance. I had big dreams, big goals, and bid aspirations for how I was going to make this new life happen. Well...like the old saying goes "Rome wasn't built in a day"...If I had a dollar for everytime I've heard that in the past 4 months, I could eat for free for a month! Basically, my friend-making, getting involved goals weren't happening as fast as I would like them to happen.
So...this is where things get complicated. I started dating someone. I enjoy my time with the person...but they want to spend all their time with me. This person has been living in Atlanta - is established with work, school, friends, etc. unlike me. So, this person is ok with wanting to spend lots of time with me - getting to know me and hanging out. If someone want to DATE me...take me on dates, wine and dine me, show me you want to PURSUE me. I dont want to just sit around in our sweats on the sofa cooking dinner and watching movies all the time. I almost feel like I am missing out on opportunities to be doing bigger and better things because I'm not out seeing my brand new city. I can sit on the sofa anywhere...but, again, since this person is already established here, they feel no need to go site-seeing, club hopping, restaurant galavanting, etc.
I feel like because I'm giving my time to this person (or any boy for that matter) that I'm missing out on cultivating my relationships with potential freinds. I've recently joined two soccer teams, joined a Crossfit gym, joined a church and a women's small group. I have found ways to get connected. BUT if these people only see me once a week or less, how are they going to really get to know me? How am I going to develop these relationships with them, when I'm devoting my time to only developing one relationship? In lies the delemia. I'm so afraid I'm going to start to resent this person because I'd rather be out doing things with girlfreinds in the city and getting to know them better. I'm also so scared to get serious with someone, then heaven forbid, we break up a year later and then I'm back at square one - with no serious friendships in this huge city.
So...I ponder - on a daily basis - what's more important: developing NEW lasting relationships with friends here, or seeking out the person that I would ultimately like to spend the rest of my life with. I think I desperately desire to find my true love - find my price charming to make me a wife and a mother. But I dont want him to be my only friend. I see so many of my friends that get married, and then their lives only revolve around that one person. I feel sorry for them. I feel sorry that they dont have tons of girls to do GNO's with. I dont want to be the norm. And since I dont want to be the norm, does that mean that I avoid and/or forego dating at all in this big, new city with lots and lots of guys just because I'm afraid of not having friends.
I know what everyone is thinking...when I stop looking "he" will find me. Or...if I spend time developing my friendships, then maybe the man of my dreams is freinds with one of my new girlfriends. I understand that. I just dont know how to deal with my current issue. Do I continue dating this person because I enjoy their time, but worry that I'm missing out on things? Or do I continue to date them, praying that I find the time and effort to still seek out new friends. I know this sounds so ridiculous and bogus, but this is my problem and it's complicated.
I'm open to suggestions. I want my life to be super satisfying in Atlanta. I mean, I uprooted myself to move here; I felt there was something bigger and better waiting here for me that obviously was not in Birmingham. Does that lie in my job? My friends? A guy? A sport/hobby/etc. There just arent enough hours a day to devote all the time I want to all the things I want. Does everyone have this same problem?!
Sunday, May 2, 2010
It's been a while...
Ok...so I started this blog in the fall of 2009. I had all intentions of writing daily (well maybe not daily) but at least weekly. I started out really great, then fell off the band wagon as the year wrapped up. In that interrum around Christmas time, I moved to Atlanta...
I interviewed for a job in Birmingham - a sales position. Something to get me outta my office chair, out from behind a computer all day and allowing myself to meet new people on a daily basis. The position was filled by my good friend Kristi (unbeknownst me me that she was even interviewing for the position, but I promise there were no hard feelings when I found out she got the job) because she obviously had more experience than I did. BUT the company offered to relocate me to Atlanta - my first home. I took a week to weigh the pros and cons of the move - the biggest con of moving was leaving my friends...I finally reasoned that if I moved and we didnt remain friends, then that friendship really wasnt that great to begin with.
Over Christmas break I packed up everything I had known for the past 8 years of my life and moved to Buckhead - into a cookie-cutter white walls, white floors apartment. I miss hardwood floors, I miss old bathroom tile, I miss my small kitchen and even smaller 1950's oven, I miss the smell of an antiquing apartment and I miss my friends coming to my apartment for girl's nights.
The first few months in Atlanta were a blurr - traveling for training, shadowing other reps, and the national sales meeting. Literally I blinked and it was April. Where had the time gone? I sit here and try to think back onto what happened in the first few weeks of 2010 and I honestly cannot remember. I did not make any new friends, I did not find a church, I did not join a soccer team, I did not start going to a gym, I did not blog, I did not read. What did I do? Work...and adjust.
I think I've finally passed the adjustment phase. I have now lapsed over into the branching out phase of a life changing move. I moved to a city of 5 million people and I knew maybe 5 people here...I'm having to step out of my comfort zone...I invite myself along to do activities, I volunteer to host events, I participate in as many events as I can - all in hopes of gaining back the life I once had in Birmingham. The life I loved and miss so much. Being the new girl in town when youre 26 is hard - not a lot of people are out looking to make all new friends at this point in their lives...They already have those freinds established.
I have now joined a Crossfit gym, joined two soccer teams, started attending a church and a small group, I play with a bunko group, I'm getting more adjusted to the lifestyle of my new job and I feel it's finally time to start blogging again. When I first started my blog, I didnt expect anyone to read it - people may still not read it. BUT this is the place I should think to put my thoughts and feelings down...in the past few months, I've missed not having a place for verbal release. I feel like my writing skills have decreased; I miss writing.
So...I make a promise to myself today. I will make efforts to get back into writing. I am passionate about this and I want to feel like myself again. I want to be me in a new life; My life in Atlanta, as a sales rep, a soccer player, a badass crossiftter, a good freind and a writter. Make I commit to my promises to myself...
I interviewed for a job in Birmingham - a sales position. Something to get me outta my office chair, out from behind a computer all day and allowing myself to meet new people on a daily basis. The position was filled by my good friend Kristi (unbeknownst me me that she was even interviewing for the position, but I promise there were no hard feelings when I found out she got the job) because she obviously had more experience than I did. BUT the company offered to relocate me to Atlanta - my first home. I took a week to weigh the pros and cons of the move - the biggest con of moving was leaving my friends...I finally reasoned that if I moved and we didnt remain friends, then that friendship really wasnt that great to begin with.
Over Christmas break I packed up everything I had known for the past 8 years of my life and moved to Buckhead - into a cookie-cutter white walls, white floors apartment. I miss hardwood floors, I miss old bathroom tile, I miss my small kitchen and even smaller 1950's oven, I miss the smell of an antiquing apartment and I miss my friends coming to my apartment for girl's nights.
The first few months in Atlanta were a blurr - traveling for training, shadowing other reps, and the national sales meeting. Literally I blinked and it was April. Where had the time gone? I sit here and try to think back onto what happened in the first few weeks of 2010 and I honestly cannot remember. I did not make any new friends, I did not find a church, I did not join a soccer team, I did not start going to a gym, I did not blog, I did not read. What did I do? Work...and adjust.
I think I've finally passed the adjustment phase. I have now lapsed over into the branching out phase of a life changing move. I moved to a city of 5 million people and I knew maybe 5 people here...I'm having to step out of my comfort zone...I invite myself along to do activities, I volunteer to host events, I participate in as many events as I can - all in hopes of gaining back the life I once had in Birmingham. The life I loved and miss so much. Being the new girl in town when youre 26 is hard - not a lot of people are out looking to make all new friends at this point in their lives...They already have those freinds established.
I have now joined a Crossfit gym, joined two soccer teams, started attending a church and a small group, I play with a bunko group, I'm getting more adjusted to the lifestyle of my new job and I feel it's finally time to start blogging again. When I first started my blog, I didnt expect anyone to read it - people may still not read it. BUT this is the place I should think to put my thoughts and feelings down...in the past few months, I've missed not having a place for verbal release. I feel like my writing skills have decreased; I miss writing.
So...I make a promise to myself today. I will make efforts to get back into writing. I am passionate about this and I want to feel like myself again. I want to be me in a new life; My life in Atlanta, as a sales rep, a soccer player, a badass crossiftter, a good freind and a writter. Make I commit to my promises to myself...
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