It's been over a month since I've blogged...I just haven't felt inspired to write anything, nor has anything seemed important enough to even mention. Kinda sad.
I thought I could come up with something now...
Apparently not. Oh well.
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
I'm SO weak...
Ok...so I don't lift weights, I just don't and I don't know why. Maybe because I'd rather go running or do a step class or play soccer or SOMETHING other than lift weights. I don't lift weights because I don't want big arms, I don't want huge muscles, and I don't want to be sore. I want my workout to make me sweat and make me feel like I've accomplished something.
Yesterday...for some STRANGE reason...I decided to do "Muscle Works" class.
***Side note - I havent lifted weights in about a YEAR!!***
There I was lifting my 6 lb weights for about (seriously) a million bicep curls. I thought my arms were literally going to fall off my sholders. We worked our way through the upper body - biceps, triceps, shoulders, chest, etc. Then we had to lay on our step and do chest press...my arms were SO fatigued after the first 30 minutes of the class, you would have thought someone was violently shaking my upper body.
After an hour of grueling pain I walked out of the class, sat my limp upper bodied self onto a stationary bike and rode for 45 minutes. My legs were not nearly as tired as my arms as I made my way out of the gym. Later that night I feel fine...I've gotten past the limp noodled arm feeling and I'm quite glad I went to the weights class...
Until I woke up this morning. I step in the shower and realize I am unable to lift my arms high enough to grab the shampoo bottle, much less, actually shampoo my hair. My shower takes twice as long as normal because I'm groaning and moaning during the whole straining process. Putting on make-up was fine...then came time to dry my hair. I gave up with holding the brush and the dryer after about 45 seconds - both of which felt like they weighed about 25 lbs.
I sat at my desk all day...with curly hair and an upper body of a petrified mummy. From the waist up I move like I have giant body cast on. Good thing I have a swivle chair. About the heaviest thing I've picked up all day is my water bottle - 1 Liter to be exact. I actually had to stand up and use my leg strenght to lift my purse off my desk. Pathetic to the nth degree if you ask me!!
So...will I go back to "Muscle Works"...maybe. Will I lift 6 lbs weights...absolutely not. I'll start out with some 3 pounders and work my way back up to 6 lbs. That will probably take me a year to get there. Goal - continue to lift weights...stive to not be sore at the end of a workout. My mom informed we that she can lift double the amount of weight that I can...I'm so weak...
Yesterday...for some STRANGE reason...I decided to do "Muscle Works" class.
***Side note - I havent lifted weights in about a YEAR!!***
There I was lifting my 6 lb weights for about (seriously) a million bicep curls. I thought my arms were literally going to fall off my sholders. We worked our way through the upper body - biceps, triceps, shoulders, chest, etc. Then we had to lay on our step and do chest press...my arms were SO fatigued after the first 30 minutes of the class, you would have thought someone was violently shaking my upper body.
After an hour of grueling pain I walked out of the class, sat my limp upper bodied self onto a stationary bike and rode for 45 minutes. My legs were not nearly as tired as my arms as I made my way out of the gym. Later that night I feel fine...I've gotten past the limp noodled arm feeling and I'm quite glad I went to the weights class...
Until I woke up this morning. I step in the shower and realize I am unable to lift my arms high enough to grab the shampoo bottle, much less, actually shampoo my hair. My shower takes twice as long as normal because I'm groaning and moaning during the whole straining process. Putting on make-up was fine...then came time to dry my hair. I gave up with holding the brush and the dryer after about 45 seconds - both of which felt like they weighed about 25 lbs.
I sat at my desk all day...with curly hair and an upper body of a petrified mummy. From the waist up I move like I have giant body cast on. Good thing I have a swivle chair. About the heaviest thing I've picked up all day is my water bottle - 1 Liter to be exact. I actually had to stand up and use my leg strenght to lift my purse off my desk. Pathetic to the nth degree if you ask me!!
So...will I go back to "Muscle Works"...maybe. Will I lift 6 lbs weights...absolutely not. I'll start out with some 3 pounders and work my way back up to 6 lbs. That will probably take me a year to get there. Goal - continue to lift weights...stive to not be sore at the end of a workout. My mom informed we that she can lift double the amount of weight that I can...I'm so weak...
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Power of Prayer
I feel like everywhere I turn, people have been telling me to pray for others. I feel like I'm hearing about so many horrible things happening and wondering what this world is coming to. Do I hear more about the crazy happenings from the media or are more unusual things just taking place? Does technology allow us to know more about diagnosing random conditions and/or creating new ones to diagnose, or have they always existed. Has the world always had such a need for prayer and concern, or are we just more aware of it because of Facebook, blogs and Twitter? I suppose only God knows the answer to this question...So therefore, why not lift all these people up to God; place their wounds, pains, addictions, hurts, wants, etc. into His hands.
I feel like I constantly tell people I will pray for them and their families and/or friends, and then lay in my bed at night speechless. I wonder sometimes if just talking about praying for someone mean's that you're acknowledging it to God without having to say a prayer in that moment. I cannot seem to find the words sometimes to ask God to heal those who are suffering, comfort those who have lost, provide for those who have nothing and lead those who feel alone. I feel selfish and greedy that I haven't suffered like some of them have. I long to have the prayerful hearts that they have gained from experiencing such low moments. I ask God to guide my mind in prayer and be able to share with others those who mean so much as well as those who I have promised a prayer for. God we thank you for all that you do for us and know that you ultimately have a plan for all of our lives...may it be guided in prayer, with thanksgiving, knowing that you are holding our hands throughout the entire journey.
My personal list of prayers...
1. Callie Dunaway - brain tumor
2. Katherine Arnold Wolf - AVM rupture
3. Ben Crain - tank attack in Afghanistan
4. Jennifer Wilkes - Good Pasture's Syndrome
5. Derek Tremble - Hodgkin's Lymphoma
6. Gary Cooney's son - drug addition
7. Ben Leathers - brain tumor
8. Kristin Seidensticker - year long mission trip around the world
9. Liz Simmons - month trip to Africia
10. Friends losing jobs
11. More friends looking for jobs
12. Numerous friends getting married
13. Even more friends having babies
14. And all those unmentioned prayers that sometimes get over looked
I feel like I constantly tell people I will pray for them and their families and/or friends, and then lay in my bed at night speechless. I wonder sometimes if just talking about praying for someone mean's that you're acknowledging it to God without having to say a prayer in that moment. I cannot seem to find the words sometimes to ask God to heal those who are suffering, comfort those who have lost, provide for those who have nothing and lead those who feel alone. I feel selfish and greedy that I haven't suffered like some of them have. I long to have the prayerful hearts that they have gained from experiencing such low moments. I ask God to guide my mind in prayer and be able to share with others those who mean so much as well as those who I have promised a prayer for. God we thank you for all that you do for us and know that you ultimately have a plan for all of our lives...may it be guided in prayer, with thanksgiving, knowing that you are holding our hands throughout the entire journey.
My personal list of prayers...
1. Callie Dunaway - brain tumor
2. Katherine Arnold Wolf - AVM rupture
3. Ben Crain - tank attack in Afghanistan
4. Jennifer Wilkes - Good Pasture's Syndrome
5. Derek Tremble - Hodgkin's Lymphoma
6. Gary Cooney's son - drug addition
7. Ben Leathers - brain tumor
8. Kristin Seidensticker - year long mission trip around the world
9. Liz Simmons - month trip to Africia
10. Friends losing jobs
11. More friends looking for jobs
12. Numerous friends getting married
13. Even more friends having babies
14. And all those unmentioned prayers that sometimes get over looked
Monday, August 10, 2009
A Good Woman!
I found this poem my junior year of college. I keep it on my fridge and read it every morning. On days I feel down, it picks me up. On the good days it makes me feel empowered. This is a friendly reminder to all women out there that you are amazing!
************
A good woman is proud. She respects herself and others. She is aware of who she is. She neither seeks definition from the person she is with, nor does she expect them to read her mind. She is quite capable of articulating her needs.
A good woman is hopeful. She is strong enough to make all her dreams come true. She knows love, therefore she gives love. She recognized that her love has great value and must be recriprocated. If her love is taken for granted, it soon disappears.
A good woman has a dash of inspiration and a dabble of endurance. She knows that she will at times have to insipre others to reach the potential God gave them. A good woman knows her past, understands her present and forces toward the future.
A good woman knows God. She knows that with God the world is her playground, but without God she will just be played. A good woman does not live in fear of the future because of her past. Instead, she understands that her life experiences are merely lessons meant to bring her closer to self-knowledge and unconditional self-love...
************
A good woman is proud. She respects herself and others. She is aware of who she is. She neither seeks definition from the person she is with, nor does she expect them to read her mind. She is quite capable of articulating her needs.
A good woman is hopeful. She is strong enough to make all her dreams come true. She knows love, therefore she gives love. She recognized that her love has great value and must be recriprocated. If her love is taken for granted, it soon disappears.
A good woman has a dash of inspiration and a dabble of endurance. She knows that she will at times have to insipre others to reach the potential God gave them. A good woman knows her past, understands her present and forces toward the future.
A good woman knows God. She knows that with God the world is her playground, but without God she will just be played. A good woman does not live in fear of the future because of her past. Instead, she understands that her life experiences are merely lessons meant to bring her closer to self-knowledge and unconditional self-love...
Sunday, August 9, 2009
Cherry Coke Zero and Will Power - An odd Combo.
As defined by Widipedia will power is the ability to exert one's will over one's actions. It manifests as inner firmness, decisiveness, determination, resolution and persistence. Also related to selfcontrol, the ability of a person to exhert his/her will over the inhibitions of their body or self.
I have determined that I have no will power when it comes to certain things. In particular cherry coke zero's and candy.
Typical morning...Get in the car and drive to work. Must brace hands firmly on steering wheel so I dont turn down the street with the gas station. Crap...turned down the street with the gas station. Talking to self..."Self, DONT go to the gas station. You dont NEED a cherry coke zero." Will power lost...pull into gas station. Once in gas station think to self..."Self, I'm hungry...maybe I should get a bag of peach rings." (How this is a justifiable breakfast, I'm not sure.) Pay for coke, and candy...and oh hell, throw in a pack of gum too. Get in car, drive to work. Think to self..."Self, I'll make this the last day I get a coke." Next morning...Get in car and drive to work. Must brace hands firmly on steering wheel so I dont turn down the street with the gas station. Crap...turned down the street iwth the gas station...You get the point.
I get to Friday and I've gotten a coke for the past 4 days. And I think..."Man, I dont even want a coke today - I'm not even sure if I like the taste of it." But what do I do?? I buy a coke...out of habit. Drinking a cherry coke is like a drug to me, I cant stop. It's an addition where I cannot overcome the high...I want another one. Then after I buy it and am left unsatisfied, I want another one. The constant up and down is like the merry-go-round of a drug addict.
The weekend comes and goes (of course with lots of cokes and candy), but it's the weekend - whatever you eat and drink on the weekend doesnt count. Right? :) Sunday night I convince myself that I will start fresh tomorrow. I will quit coke and candy...for good. I'm good for two days, get stressed, break down and buy one. The will power constantly being lost.
I know this sounds absolutely pathetic. Yes, I'm technically not addicted to a "hardcore drug" but caffeine is indeed a drug. And I cannot quit. I've done the math - one average I spend $80-$100 a MONTH on coke and candy. That's twice as much as I spend on my gym membership. So does that mean that I should have to work out at least twice as hard to burn off all those empty calories?!?! Not to mention the hole that is left in my bank account - that unaccounted for money, gone down the tube for nothing?
So...how do I find the will power to quit? I try to rationalize it out in my head: 1) that's too much money to spend on crap; 2) I have nothing to show for that purchase; 3) my pants are getting tigher, should I take this as a sign; 4) my other friends arent addicted to cherry coke zero and candy like me; 5) I'm an athlete, why dont I just enjoy a water?; 6) I have control over myself.
Someone please let me know where I can find the will power. I sit here (three empty cheery coke bottles on my desk later) and convince myself that TOMORROW will be the day. Tomorrow will be the day that I find the will power. It's tucked away, burried beneath layers of carbonated water, caramel color, phosphoric acid, aspartame, potassium benzoate, natural flavors, acesulfame potassium, citric acid, malic acid, potassium citrate and caffeine. Tomorrow I will slowly chip those layers away, revealing the hidden beauty of my will power. My will power to control my addiction.
I have determined that I have no will power when it comes to certain things. In particular cherry coke zero's and candy.
Typical morning...Get in the car and drive to work. Must brace hands firmly on steering wheel so I dont turn down the street with the gas station. Crap...turned down the street with the gas station. Talking to self..."Self, DONT go to the gas station. You dont NEED a cherry coke zero." Will power lost...pull into gas station. Once in gas station think to self..."Self, I'm hungry...maybe I should get a bag of peach rings." (How this is a justifiable breakfast, I'm not sure.) Pay for coke, and candy...and oh hell, throw in a pack of gum too. Get in car, drive to work. Think to self..."Self, I'll make this the last day I get a coke." Next morning...Get in car and drive to work. Must brace hands firmly on steering wheel so I dont turn down the street with the gas station. Crap...turned down the street iwth the gas station...You get the point.
I get to Friday and I've gotten a coke for the past 4 days. And I think..."Man, I dont even want a coke today - I'm not even sure if I like the taste of it." But what do I do?? I buy a coke...out of habit. Drinking a cherry coke is like a drug to me, I cant stop. It's an addition where I cannot overcome the high...I want another one. Then after I buy it and am left unsatisfied, I want another one. The constant up and down is like the merry-go-round of a drug addict.
The weekend comes and goes (of course with lots of cokes and candy), but it's the weekend - whatever you eat and drink on the weekend doesnt count. Right? :) Sunday night I convince myself that I will start fresh tomorrow. I will quit coke and candy...for good. I'm good for two days, get stressed, break down and buy one. The will power constantly being lost.
I know this sounds absolutely pathetic. Yes, I'm technically not addicted to a "hardcore drug" but caffeine is indeed a drug. And I cannot quit. I've done the math - one average I spend $80-$100 a MONTH on coke and candy. That's twice as much as I spend on my gym membership. So does that mean that I should have to work out at least twice as hard to burn off all those empty calories?!?! Not to mention the hole that is left in my bank account - that unaccounted for money, gone down the tube for nothing?
So...how do I find the will power to quit? I try to rationalize it out in my head: 1) that's too much money to spend on crap; 2) I have nothing to show for that purchase; 3) my pants are getting tigher, should I take this as a sign; 4) my other friends arent addicted to cherry coke zero and candy like me; 5) I'm an athlete, why dont I just enjoy a water?; 6) I have control over myself.
Someone please let me know where I can find the will power. I sit here (three empty cheery coke bottles on my desk later) and convince myself that TOMORROW will be the day. Tomorrow will be the day that I find the will power. It's tucked away, burried beneath layers of carbonated water, caramel color, phosphoric acid, aspartame, potassium benzoate, natural flavors, acesulfame potassium, citric acid, malic acid, potassium citrate and caffeine. Tomorrow I will slowly chip those layers away, revealing the hidden beauty of my will power. My will power to control my addiction.
Thursday, August 6, 2009
Oranges...Post Script
Life is Like a Bag of Oranges...
There is some truth to Forrest Gump's saying "Life is like a box of chocolates...you never know what you're gonna get." But I have to somewhat disagree with this statement. When you get a box of chocolates, but KNOW there will be some bad ones in there. You know you will inevitablly bite into the strawberry cream or the cherry jelly filled pieces if you arent paying attention. You know you will like some of them and and you will hate some of them. BUT now days...Whittman's chocolate marketing team has gotten smart - they label the inside of the box with what each piece of chocolate contains. You KNOW what you're getting yourself into; you know which pieces to avoid like the plague. You can enjoy the carmel and marshmellow and dark chocolate pieces and throw the other ones away. Life is NOT like this. You can't pick out the fun, delicious times and set aside all of those moments you dont want to experience. So...like is not always like a box of chocolates.
So today, I've decided like is like a bag of oranges - let me explain. When you go to the store and you're walking through the produce section you see this nice bag of delicious Florida oranges. 10 golden, perfect oranges in the bag. One the outside they look beautiful like the ones you see on orange juices boxes; no bruises, no punctures. Perfect. You cannot wait to get home to eat the Vitamin C goodness - the juice filing your mouth as you take that first bite.
You peel the first orange. The skin is tough and thick. By the time you get the skin off, the orange is half the size of which you started. The second orange has thin skin that peals off easily, but as you break the segments apart, you realize that almost the entire orange is that gross stringy white stuff instead of the meat of the fruit. The third is filled with millions of seeds. The fourth is bitter and you can barely keep from crying each time you take a bite. The fifth is a combination of the other four. So...by the end of the week - here you are 5 oranges into the bag and you're very unsatisfied. Do you throw away the bag and forfeit the other 1/2 guessing that they may be like the other crappy fruits? Or do you give them a shot, praying that they will taste like you imagined them to? Maybe it would be better to have tried to enjoy a juicy orange, wasting 5 minutes of your day to peel it in hopes that you can enjoy at least 30 cents of your bag of oranges purchase.
This is exactly like life. Things may seem perfect on the outside - untarnished, balanced, symetrical and beautiful. But as you walk through like, experiencing each day, each moment, you realize that no day or experience is the same. Even if you imagined or planned it to be that way. Sometimes life is a combination of unexpecteds. Then, halfway through life, you're ready to give up because things haven't gone your way; you think that things may not get better. But that's the gamble you must make. You must decide it's better to have tried and failed than to have never tried at all. Better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all. Life is worth experiencing those disgusting, sour, bland, stringy times so that you can savior those satisfying moments when everything seems "just like you imagined" them to be.
I don't even really like oranges. I the juice they produce. I dont like how they leave your hands sticky and smelly all day. But again, like life, you never know what the fuss is all about until you dive in and experience things hands on. I think I might buy a bag of oranges this afternoon...I could use a little variety in my life.
So today, I've decided like is like a bag of oranges - let me explain. When you go to the store and you're walking through the produce section you see this nice bag of delicious Florida oranges. 10 golden, perfect oranges in the bag. One the outside they look beautiful like the ones you see on orange juices boxes; no bruises, no punctures. Perfect. You cannot wait to get home to eat the Vitamin C goodness - the juice filing your mouth as you take that first bite.
You peel the first orange. The skin is tough and thick. By the time you get the skin off, the orange is half the size of which you started. The second orange has thin skin that peals off easily, but as you break the segments apart, you realize that almost the entire orange is that gross stringy white stuff instead of the meat of the fruit. The third is filled with millions of seeds. The fourth is bitter and you can barely keep from crying each time you take a bite. The fifth is a combination of the other four. So...by the end of the week - here you are 5 oranges into the bag and you're very unsatisfied. Do you throw away the bag and forfeit the other 1/2 guessing that they may be like the other crappy fruits? Or do you give them a shot, praying that they will taste like you imagined them to? Maybe it would be better to have tried to enjoy a juicy orange, wasting 5 minutes of your day to peel it in hopes that you can enjoy at least 30 cents of your bag of oranges purchase.
This is exactly like life. Things may seem perfect on the outside - untarnished, balanced, symetrical and beautiful. But as you walk through like, experiencing each day, each moment, you realize that no day or experience is the same. Even if you imagined or planned it to be that way. Sometimes life is a combination of unexpecteds. Then, halfway through life, you're ready to give up because things haven't gone your way; you think that things may not get better. But that's the gamble you must make. You must decide it's better to have tried and failed than to have never tried at all. Better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all. Life is worth experiencing those disgusting, sour, bland, stringy times so that you can savior those satisfying moments when everything seems "just like you imagined" them to be.
I don't even really like oranges. I the juice they produce. I dont like how they leave your hands sticky and smelly all day. But again, like life, you never know what the fuss is all about until you dive in and experience things hands on. I think I might buy a bag of oranges this afternoon...I could use a little variety in my life.
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
Revit, Sketch Up, CAD...Oh My!
Because of my job, my brain now functions like an computer - ideas and goals stored into neatly organized files, managing times to hang out with my friends like an Outlook calendar with reminder pop-ups and replaying events I did (and sometimes didn't) enjoy over and over again like a repeat button. On the architectural sides of that computer brain - I dimension objects in my dreams, try to rotate Word documents in 3-D and attempt to zoom closer into photos on facebook to get a better look. My brain knows three modes - Revit, Sketch Up and AutoCAD; Revit being the newest addition to the hardrive of my brain.
My newest project has 143 and 71 degree angles in additional to the regular 90 degree ones...I'm sure I often have the puzzled dog look when working on the computer - you know...head slightly cocked as if confused. That's me - tilting my head to make things appear more "square". Revit has no layers, no colors and no depth. I'm work constantly staring at a black and white screen. The only color coming from the numerous website pages I frequent daily - the usuals: CNN, MSN, Facebook, Wachovia, You Tube, YMCA, Samford and Blogger. (With a list that long, you'd think I didnt get much work done...) I need a little stimulation to this otherwise robotic brain of mine. I suprised I haven't resported talking in a monotone voice like the old school toy "Speak and Spell".
We had a Sketch-up inner-office lunch and learn today. A waste of time was more like it - I already know the program, so why was this luncheon mandatory? I dunno. I spent 10 minutes making a smiley face on the tackboard behing me with thumb tacks. The OCD side of my brain got the best of me as I tried to fold my napkin into perfect triangles. I have resorted to child-like behaviors as an attempt to pull myself out of this computer program overload.
I have a headache just thinking about how much my brain is progessing right now...Advil time.
My newest project has 143 and 71 degree angles in additional to the regular 90 degree ones...I'm sure I often have the puzzled dog look when working on the computer - you know...head slightly cocked as if confused. That's me - tilting my head to make things appear more "square". Revit has no layers, no colors and no depth. I'm work constantly staring at a black and white screen. The only color coming from the numerous website pages I frequent daily - the usuals: CNN, MSN, Facebook, Wachovia, You Tube, YMCA, Samford and Blogger. (With a list that long, you'd think I didnt get much work done...) I need a little stimulation to this otherwise robotic brain of mine. I suprised I haven't resported talking in a monotone voice like the old school toy "Speak and Spell".
We had a Sketch-up inner-office lunch and learn today. A waste of time was more like it - I already know the program, so why was this luncheon mandatory? I dunno. I spent 10 minutes making a smiley face on the tackboard behing me with thumb tacks. The OCD side of my brain got the best of me as I tried to fold my napkin into perfect triangles. I have resorted to child-like behaviors as an attempt to pull myself out of this computer program overload.
I have a headache just thinking about how much my brain is progessing right now...Advil time.
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
New Blogger...New Life.
Ok...so I've always been one to read other people's blogs and think "I should journal my life like them." or "I'll regret one day not writing down what I've experienced." or "I want to make a difference in someone's life - influence them, capture them - just by the words I write." Now that my life has gotten to the point where I think it can not get any more crazy, I figured now was a good time to start a blog. Better late than never, right? Even if no one ever reads this, it will be my little haven - a place to thinking out loud, capture the insane moments of my life and reflect on all the experiences I've had.
So...here goes. :)
I dont claim to have the most exciting life, the most excentric life, the most adventerous life, the most colorful life, or the most boring life. I just try to live my life - the life that I'm supposed to live. All my life, I've tried to script my life. I've tried to make it exactly what I wanted it to be. The more I planned, the more I was disappointed. The more I tried to make everything exactly the way I wanted it, the more things fell short. But...Fell shrot of what? Perfection? What is perfection? As defined by Wikipedia - Perfection: a state of completeness and flawlessness. But honestly, who's life is truly complete and without flaws? I never once met someone perfect. So, here I am, striving to obtain something I can never reach and I'm constantly disappointed. I think it's partically because of my OCD nature that I like to control things. When I'm not in control, I get stressed. I worry things wont get done, it wont work out the way it's supposed to. But the more I try to control my life, the more I learn that I cannot.
I cannot choose who I'm going to marry. I cannot decide what job I'm going to have. I cannot control where I'm going to live. The friends I'm going to have. The attitude I'm going to have. The things I do on the weekends. The acts of kindness I do for others. The relationship I will have. The relationship I will avoid. The things that truly make me happy. The people that make me smile.
You're thinking "Yes, Chelsey. You can choose, decide and control your life." No, honestly, I can't. It's taken me 25 long, hard years to really learn the depth of this - God is in Control. But honestly, I'm at the tip of the iceberg of what I actually know of this depth. I want to believe I can give Him the reigns and let him steer...but that means I have to let go. I have to not be the one in charge. I'm like the committee member who sits in the bac and never gets a say, who never speaks up, who goes along with the flow just because they think it's a good idea. And that scares me to death. I'm scared of not being in control my life will spin out of control. But up until this point, what has controlling gotten me? A shaken faith, stress, singlessness, disappointment, lack of trust and most as far from "what I thought my life would be".
I sound pathetic. I sound like I think my life is horrible and will be exactly what I want. I really do love my life. I have a fabulous life. I play on three soccer teams, I coach a soccer team, I run 1/2 marathons, play on a softball team, I volunteer, I have a great job that pays the bills with extra for spending/saving, have amazing, I have dependable friends, I have a beautiful apartment, I have an amazing mother who will always listen, and I have a God that forgives. I just get disappointed really easily.
On this random Tuesday, July 28th 2009 I pray that I learn to let go. Let go of expectations. Let go of thinking things have to be perfect. Let go of past disappointment and failure. I pray that I look back on this day, many moons from now, and think..."That was the greatest day of my life. That was the day that my life truly started. The day I started my blog." I want to learn to be lead...follow MY leader, and know He will not disappointment in the end. And because I have this faith and trust in Him, it will be exactly as it's supposed to be - the way HE scripted my life...just for me.
So...here goes. :)
I dont claim to have the most exciting life, the most excentric life, the most adventerous life, the most colorful life, or the most boring life. I just try to live my life - the life that I'm supposed to live. All my life, I've tried to script my life. I've tried to make it exactly what I wanted it to be. The more I planned, the more I was disappointed. The more I tried to make everything exactly the way I wanted it, the more things fell short. But...Fell shrot of what? Perfection? What is perfection? As defined by Wikipedia - Perfection: a state of completeness and flawlessness. But honestly, who's life is truly complete and without flaws? I never once met someone perfect. So, here I am, striving to obtain something I can never reach and I'm constantly disappointed. I think it's partically because of my OCD nature that I like to control things. When I'm not in control, I get stressed. I worry things wont get done, it wont work out the way it's supposed to. But the more I try to control my life, the more I learn that I cannot.
I cannot choose who I'm going to marry. I cannot decide what job I'm going to have. I cannot control where I'm going to live. The friends I'm going to have. The attitude I'm going to have. The things I do on the weekends. The acts of kindness I do for others. The relationship I will have. The relationship I will avoid. The things that truly make me happy. The people that make me smile.
You're thinking "Yes, Chelsey. You can choose, decide and control your life." No, honestly, I can't. It's taken me 25 long, hard years to really learn the depth of this - God is in Control. But honestly, I'm at the tip of the iceberg of what I actually know of this depth. I want to believe I can give Him the reigns and let him steer...but that means I have to let go. I have to not be the one in charge. I'm like the committee member who sits in the bac and never gets a say, who never speaks up, who goes along with the flow just because they think it's a good idea. And that scares me to death. I'm scared of not being in control my life will spin out of control. But up until this point, what has controlling gotten me? A shaken faith, stress, singlessness, disappointment, lack of trust and most as far from "what I thought my life would be".
I sound pathetic. I sound like I think my life is horrible and will be exactly what I want. I really do love my life. I have a fabulous life. I play on three soccer teams, I coach a soccer team, I run 1/2 marathons, play on a softball team, I volunteer, I have a great job that pays the bills with extra for spending/saving, have amazing, I have dependable friends, I have a beautiful apartment, I have an amazing mother who will always listen, and I have a God that forgives. I just get disappointed really easily.
On this random Tuesday, July 28th 2009 I pray that I learn to let go. Let go of expectations. Let go of thinking things have to be perfect. Let go of past disappointment and failure. I pray that I look back on this day, many moons from now, and think..."That was the greatest day of my life. That was the day that my life truly started. The day I started my blog." I want to learn to be lead...follow MY leader, and know He will not disappointment in the end. And because I have this faith and trust in Him, it will be exactly as it's supposed to be - the way HE scripted my life...just for me.
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