I have no idea what I want to do with my life. Period. I just dont know.
I have a degree in interior design. I worked as a designer for 4 years. I am now a sales rep for a textile company. I've been doing this for 7 months and I'm just not sure if I want to do this forever. When you meet someone new, they ask you waht you do. I reply my typical answer to someone who doesnt know the interior design industry: "I sell fabric and wallcovering to designers." Typically I get the "Ohhhhh fun." or "Exciting." or "I need you to help me with my house." answers...The other day I got a new one "Do you want to do THAT for the rest of your life??" My answer..."Honestly, no." They say "What do you want to do then?" I DONT KNOW.
I'm a dreamer. I have so many things I want to do...I want to own a bakery. I want to be a writer. I want to be a nurse. I want to become a missionary. I want to be a personal trainer. I want to travel the world. I want to make a difference in someone's life. I want to influence the minds of the generation younger than me. I want to feel satisfied. I want to not have stress. I want to sleep 8 hours every night. I want to have time for my hobbies. I want to have time to devote to God.
I feel lost in my own life, in my own thoughts, in my own desires. I feel like I'm swimming in jello...paddling hard and not moving anywhere. I feel lost in the middle of everything. I feel like there are so many options to exlore on what I should be doing, but I'm not sure which direction to travel first. Exploring a new option is expensive. Exploring a new option may leave me with nothing, even set me back. Exploring a new option takes time and dedication.
I wish some days that a magic genie would come into my life and tell me what to do. Tell me where to go, who to speak with and that it will all work out ok. I want the genie to direct my path and (in the words of Liz Gilbert) "I want to marvel at something". I suppose a lot of people would call this "genie" by another name: God. I know they are right. I suppose I need to take all this time I spend stressing about life, stressing about my career, stressing about where I'll be in 5 years and direct it towards bringing God more into my life. I guess I should start praying about how to pray. Pray about how to talk to God. Pray about opening my heart/mind/spirit to a spiritual genie.
I honestly sit here feeling like I'm going to have a heart attack. I feel like my heart is literally going to jump out of my chest. I feel out of control. I'm a control freak and I feel like I'm losing control of myself. I'm losing control of knowing what I'm doing with my life. I need to learn to let go and let God.
Dear spiritual genie aka God,
Please rush into my uncontrolable beating heart and slow it. Please rush into my mind and smooth my wrinkled, worried thoughts. Rush into my spirit and explode with self confidence and motivation to find the missing link of my life. Help. Me. Figure. Out. Life.
Thanks.
